The Great Chicken Sandwich War
By Tyji Mays
I enlisted in the chicken sandwich war. I didn’t mean to initially, but something took a hold of me. One day, I had a chicken sandwich from one place. By the end of that week, I had eaten 3 competing chicken sandwiches. I took 2 weeks off to repent and then came back and added the final piece to my chicken sandwich infinity gauntlet. You know I had to rank them for the URL. UR(ank)L? Idk. These are my raw thoughts.My friend always says, “You’re only as good as your last race.” So, I’ma rank them based off the most recent time I had them. Each sandwich I got was the spicy version btw.
Oh my God, man. I gotta paint the scene for the last time I had a Popeyes Spicy Chicken sandwich. It was a Saturday. We were having a little birthday party for some of my friends. The sun was beaming just right. The CACTI™ was flowing. The music (mostly my album, Love Deferred by H2H, out now everywhere) was bumping. I finish my 3 rd CACTI™ and they start talking about ordering Popeyes. Say no more. I ask for that Spicy chicken sandwich. They delivered so fast. I opened it up and took that first bite. Man. It tasted just as good as the first time I ever had it. No extra dipping sauces either, so this was just off the strength of the sandwich itself. It was exactly what I needed. Then we left and watched WrestleMania and saw Bad Bunny put on a 5-star match. Perfect day. Perfect vibes. Perfect sandwich.
So, back in 2019 before the chicken sandwich craze really popped off, I tried the old KFC chicken sandwich. It wasn’t bad, but it simply wasn’t hitting like Chick-Fil-A (the mainstream chick sandy kings at the time). Once KFC saw what Popeyes did to the game, they knew they had to step it up and came out with something they thought could compete. I tried it and it was a huge improvement from what they had before. I might even say it was slightly spicier than Popeyes which I respect. The main difference between this and Popeyes is the taste of the chicken. So, if you prefer KFC over Popeyes, this might be the #1 sandwich for you. If you’re normal, you’re still gonna have Popeyes at the top.
Everybody’s had the CFA chicken sandwich before. It used to be the star but now it’s more like a role player. It definitely still has its days where it’s going off though. This particular time I had the sandwich felt like Derrick Rose having a real solid game. The difference between this sandwich and the rest is the spiciness is strictly from the breaded skin. The rest all have a spicy mayo. They got that splah. This doesn’t have that splah unless you use dippin sauce. I like their sauces, but it might be too much of a crutch. Oh well. It was good anyway.
I feel like hating on McDonald’s is like hating on a dynasty team or Tom Brady (s/o my Eagles, 41-33 Super Bowl LII never forget). It has proven time and time again that it get the job done. I can’t knock that. They have their classics that have stood the test of time, but not every new item is a hit. This year, I had the McRib for the first time. I knew something was off when I pulled up to the window and they just gave me the food without asking me to pay. Once I bit into it, I understood why. It just wasn’t it. I was a little skeptical about this new chicky sand sand but I’ma be honnnnessssst, it was not bad at all (Sidenote: that “lesbehonnnnest” line from Drake on “Every Girl in the World” is so funny. I feel like he doesn’t say enough funny bars anymore. We need that back). The spicy level was actually comparable to the KFC sandwich. The chicken definitely wasn’t as crunchy as Popeyes, KFC, or Chick-Fil-A though. When I go to Mickey D’s, I usually get the Big Mac, but I could see myself switching it up every now and then to get that chicken sandwich.
I saw a tweet the other day that said Burger King is the real-life Chum Bucket. Yo can’t really argue against that. We all know something is weird about that place. 10 nuggets for $1.49? C’mon now. How do we know they aren’t made out of sloth necks? Show me the Carfax. Personally, I don’t have a good history with BK. I remember I needed to grab something quick for breakfast and Dunkin’ was too packed. So, I went to BK and got their 2 for $4 sausage, egg, and cheese croissant. Them jawns had me in shambles for the rest of the day. Plus, I missed seeing LeBron James in person when I went to go buy them. The night before, I saw Richard Jefferson and no disrespect to him but c’mon man. I would’ve rather starved and saw the GOAT than have those dinky croissandwiches. All that aside, I was hype for this new hand-breaded spicy chicken sandwich they dropped. The TL was saying that it was a game changer and since everything on the TL is undisputed fact, I was ready for this the be at the top of my rankings.I finally got my hands on it and I’m coming to you as a man to confirm that Burger King has the most garbage chicken sandwich out there. There was no spiciness at all. The chicken was forgettable. The after-taste was nasty. I couldn’t even finish it. I’m actually a worse person sinc having this sandwich.I don’t think I will ever willingly eat at Burger King again. That place is a psyop.That’s pretty much it. Shoutout to the region-specific spots that I wasn’t able to get to and local food trucks. I know they have good stuff too. I just gotta travel to get it. I gotta thank my metabolism and residual fitness from running in high school and college. Without that,I wouldn’t have been able to fight this war without being intensely ashamed of myself. Instead, was only a little bit ashamed. We move.